Scripted

INT. LIVING/ DINING ROOM. DAY.

AMY and HENRY are eating breakfast.

AMY: …and that’s why penguin is my favourite pizza topping.

HENRY frowns but shakes his head and has a mouthful of cereal as STAN enters in his pyjamas and dressing gown.

STAN: Hey guys.

AMY: Hey!

HENRY: (muffled by cereal): Mmh, morning.

STAN: Who’re your friends?

He yawns before gesturing to the CAMERA. AMY frowns and glances behind her before turning back.

AMY: What?

STAN: Err, the people behind you?

She looks again, but again turns back confused.

AMY: Stan, there’s no one there.

STAN: There is! I can see them! Some guy holding a camera! Henry, c’mon?

HENRY looks around, turns back and arches his eyebrow.

HENRY: Dude, are you still drunk?

STAN: What no! I didn’t even have..

He trails off, pauses. A resigned look comes over his face.

STAN: Okay ha ha guys, very funny.

HENRY: Dude, it’s not a joke. There’s literally no one there.

Cut to a different angle:

STAN: But there is! Some guy with a camera stood right.. stood right.. there.

He points to where the camera was, but there’s no one there. He runs over there as AMY and HENRY watch.

STAN: They were stood, right here!

He looks up and notices the new camera position. He runs up to the CAMERA and points at it.

STAN: C’mon guys, do you really not see this? Are you blind or..

STAN trails off.

HENRY: Or.. what?

STAN: Oh my god. We’re in a film.

HENRY: (patronisingly): A film? You think we’re in a film?

STAN: We are!

AMY: Stan, you’re being crazy.

STAN: We are! Just, um, just wait. If there’s a camera and it’s a film then, then there’ll be continuity errors yeah?

HENRY: Conti-what-ity errors?

STAN: Yeah, you know, things that change but aren’t meant to? Like.. um, your cup! The handle wasn’t facing that way when I came in!

HENRY looks down at his coffee and frowns slightly.

STAN: Or your hair Amy, it wasn’t tied back earlier was it?

AMY reaches up to grab her fringe and mildly freaks out upon realising it’s tied back.

AMY: What the..

STAN: See! Okay, hang on I’ll be right back.

STAN leaves the room and comes back one second later fully clothed.

AMY: What the hell?

HENRY: Dude, how the hell did yo-

STAN: Editing probably. Look c’mon, let’s go to-

Cut to:

EXT. PARK. DAY.

STAN: -the park..

All three are standing in a green park.

AMY: How did we get here? Oh my God Stan how the fuck did-

STAN: It cut!

HENRY: No! No I, er, I remember walking..

STAN shakes his head as AMY freaks out.

STAN: No. It’s just implied narrative.

AMY drops to her knees with her hands in her hair, struggling to comprehend. There’s a moment of silence.

Cut to close up:

AMY looks up and, for a second, sees a camera in face. She cries out and scrambles backwards as HENRY and STAN rush over.

HENRY: Amy? Are you okay? What happened?

AMY: I thought.. I thought I saw..

STAN: A camera?

AMY nods.

STAN: Must’ve been a close-up. (beat) Yeah. Look, the camera’s over there now.

STAN points, and HENRY and AMY turn, but only AMY sees the camera and cameraman squinting at them.

HENRY: Guys, c’mon, we’re not in a [BLEEP] film. It’s. Absurd.

AMY and STAN turn to each other as they hear the BLEEP, before turning to HENRY. AMY opens her mouth but HENRY gets in first.

HENRY: Look guys this isn’t funny okay?

There’s a moment of silence. HENRY stands around looking annoyed.

AMY: Err, Stan?

STAN: Yah?

AMY: Films have endings yeah?

STAN smiles widely and nods.

STAN: (patronisingly): Yes they do. Well done Ames.

AMY: So what happens to us when the film ends?

STAN gradually stops smiling and nodding.

AMY: Do we die? Oh my God we’re going to die!

As AMY freaks out again HENRY sighs, fed up.

STAN: Wait guys, if the film doesn’t end, we don’t die! Right? So let’s do a bunch of interesting stuff to keep the film going!

HENRY: Riiight.. well I’m off.

STAN: You can’t leave! Please? Henny? Bestest fwend?

He bats his eyes at HENRY who is torn. AMY joins in and he sighs, finally conceding.

HENRY: Fine! But you guys owe me! Both of you!

AMY: Yeah-yea-yea-yeah. Stan, got any ideas?

STAN frowns for a second and then has a light bulb moment.

EXT. PATIO. DAY.

Pan across:

AMY is juggling. HENRY is dancing halfheartedly. STAN is playing a trumpet.

HENRY soon stops, and a few seconds later, AMY does to. STAN, caught up in the moment, carries on enthusiastically (and badly), before they stop him.

STAN and AMY sit down and sigh. HENRY sits down, bored.

AMY: Well, this sucks. We need to do better.

STAN: Hold on, I have an idea. (beat) A biscuit idea.

INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY.

All three are sat in a living room drinking tea. One biscuit remains on a plate of crumbs. Both AMY and STAN simultaneously reach for the last biscuit.

STAN: No, go on.

AMY: No, you have it.

STAN shakes his head and offers again. HENRY looks from side to side before shrugging and taking the biscuit. STAN and AMY narrow their eyes. All simultaneously stand up and reveal water pistols, Nerf guns (all clearly fake) strapped to their thighs.

All are suddenly dressed in makeshift ‘Old West’ outfits. HENRY looks down, confused.

STAN: Well, well, well. Looks like we’ve got ourselves a good ol’ Mexican standoff.

AMY: You biscuit-stealing varmint ain’t welcome round these ‘ere parts.

AMY and STAN look at HENRY expectantly.

HENRY: (hesitantly): Er, this room’s not big enough for the three of us?

There’s a moment of silence as everyone looks at everyone else. Twitchy fingers hover near the guns. After a moment, each of them pull their guns and start firing, making gun noises with their mouths.

Cut to:

EXT. BEDROOM. DAY.

STAN, dressed as a surgeon, is bending over someone as a regular ‘BEEP’ fills the silence.

STAN: Plaster.

STAN holds his gloved hand open, waiting.

HENRY: Plaster.

HENRY passes him a plaster. After a moment HENRY dabs STAN’s forehead with tissue. Flat-lining is suddenly heard.

STAN: NO! No, no, no! God dammit we’re losing him! Defibrillator stat!

REVEAL: the patient is a big bear with a bandage round his head and the plaster on his arm.

HENRY is slightly taken aback. He looks around but can’t find the defibrillator. STAN turns and points at some slippers, shouting medical phrases. HENRY grabs and passes to STAN who puts them on his hands and ‘shocks’ the bear with them.

STAN: (shouting): C’mon Ted stay with me God dammit!

Cut to:

EXT. WOODS. DAY.

STAN and HENRY, both in makeshift pointy hats and cloaks, are holding sticks are shooting ‘spells’ at each other whilst shouting nonsense and making noises.

Cut to:

EXT. BEACH/ SEASIDE. DAY.

AMY and STAN are sword-fighting whilst dressed as pirates. AMY disarms STAN and stabs him. He drops to his knees and collapses.

AMY pulls a pistol on HENRY who closes his eyes and covers his face. AMY pulls the trigger.

Cut to:

INT. WAREHOUSE. NIGHT.

AMY is holding a pair of pliers as HENRY opens his eyes. In front of him is a manual titled ‘DEFUSING BOMBS FOR DUMMIES’. Both are grimy. A clearly fake bomb sits in front of them with a hand-drawn timer. BEEP BEEP BEEP.

AMY: Which wire is it?

HENRY: Wait how did I get here? Amy, how di-

AMY: Which wire is it Henry?

HENRY: Wire? For what?

AMY: The bomb you idiot!

HENRY: (panicking): BOMB!? What bomb?

HENRY turns and sees the bomb. He rapidly searches through the pages of the manual.

AMY: Henry?

HENRY: I.. I don’t know!

The timer reads 14 seconds. BEEP BEEP BEEP.

REVEAL: STAN is sat a few feet away from them making the BEEP noises. They both look at him, exasperated. He smiles and shrugs. The timer reads 5 seconds.

HENRY: Wait! NO!

STAN: (speeding up): Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beeeeeee-

Cut to:

INT. DINING ROOM. NIGHT.

All three are sat around a table. HENRY is not coping well. He puts his head in his hands, muttering to himself.

HENRY: (muttering to himself): .. a film.. we’re in.. in a film.. we’re.. it’s a film.. we’re in..

AMY and STAN exchange a worried look with each other.

STAN: Look, it’s okay mate. It’s okay. Nothing’s gunna hurt us, it’s onl-

A boom pole dips into shot and bumps STAN on the head.

DIRECTOR: CUT!

Reveal: the trio are being filmed by a film crew in a studio.

INT. STUDIO. DAY.

AMY immediately stops crying as an assistant runs over and reapplies some of her make-up. STAN rubs his head before bringing out a copy of the script and going over his lines. HENRY, however, remains confused.

HENRY: What the.. what the hell?

No one appears to hear him. Looking up, HENRY sees the DIRECTOR talking to the boom guy.

HENRY: (panicking): Guys? What’s going on? GUYS!?

No one appears to hear him. HENRY looks over to the DIRECTOR who looks up and locks eyes with HENRY.

He smiles viciously before glitching closer. HENRY jumps backwards and looks around but everyone else, including the crew, have disappeared. The DIRECTOR flickers to AMY, and then back to himself. To the boom guy, and back again.

DIRECTOR: (modulated, electronic): Another one…

HENRY is horrified, he goes to cry out when the screen freezes. The video tries to continue playing but is unable. An error pitch noise increases until the blue screen of death appears.

CREDITS.